Stephen Braveman

Sex therapist Stephen Braveman got married March 24, 2015 at the farmers market in downtown Monterey. For Braveman, it was a bit of a social experiment to see how open the local community would be to a kink-friendly wedding in public. “It represented the success of 20 years of work in this community to be able to oil the growth-wheel,” he says.

Braveman, 61, met his wife Wanda on a senior dating website, and the wedding included exchanging vows under a rainbow flag, and was officiated by a rabbi. In attendance were several members of the local LGBT community, and during the ceremony, Bravemen and Wanda did a kink/bondage leather binding of their hands.

“We vowed to have our anniversary every year at the market,” Braveman says.

Braveman has had a therapy practice counseling people in all things sex-related – from gender identity issues to sex offenders and assault survivors – in Monterey for 24 years, and he spoke to the Weekly about the profession of advising others about sex.

Weekly: How did you get involved studying sex and gender issues?

Braveman: I grew up in a sex-positive environment in the 1960s. My mother was always willing to answer questions. After studying experimental psychology at U.C. Santa Barbara, a company in Santa Barbara wanted to hire me as a sex educator – I’d applied to be a counselor – and I discovered there was a great need for sex educators in the field. I moved to San Francisco thinking I would leave it behind, but with all my jobs, sex therapy and counseling were things employers asked of me. Everywhere I turned, it kept coming back to me.

My last job in S.F. was as clinical director for a program geared toward LGBT, homeless, mentally ill, substance-abusing, HIV-positive people coming out of the county jail. I was handing out condoms in bathhouses and educating prostitutes on Mission Street.

What do people not respect or appreciate enough about their own sexuality?

People don’t respect the sanctity of their body and have become lazy in watching out for STDs; they’ve become very casual with who, what and where they are having sex. We have a generation of young adults who are quick to label themselves in order to fit in without knowing what those labels mean.

Most people don’t take the time to really acknowledge how wonderful their sex life and sexual sense of being is. Here in Monterey County, we have a very large and growing senior population, who don’t get it that sex doesn’t end when you’re 30. If they are not having a happy, healthy sex life, there are things that can be done.

What are common misconceptions about your work?

Lots of times people think as a sex therapist I have sex with people who come to see me. There is an assumption that if a gay or trans person comes to see me, I’m gay or trans. People project onto sex therapists the misconception that I not only accept everyone’s sexual behaviors without judgement, but engage in those behaviors.

I work with both sex offenders and survivors, kink, LGBT and I’m a gender specialist. Most people in the field only focus on maybe one of those. A lot of people in the field are offended by certain sexual behavior issues that we we treat.

What’s still surprising to you in the field?

Young people’s definitions about what is gender and sexuality, because they keep re-creating the wheel for us. When I started 20 years ago, we had LGBT and intersex [in our vocabulary]. Now we have a huge alphabet soup. People come up with new labels I have never heard of.

How would you like to see the conversation about sex and gender change?

We’re not done yet and still have work to do. There is still gay-bashing and discrimination. LGBT issues are the same as racial issues in that we have to make people aware that there is indeed an issue. We have to stand up and say, “Here we are!” We’re going to show how proud we are, and that we are not a threat. I would like to see a Star Trek vision where people are accepted regardless of gender or race.

What are your favorite euphemisms for genitalia or sex?

Two of my most favorite terms I learned from my mother. A woman’s vagina is a “poopadoopacl.” She calls a penis a “whoseewhatsee.”