Quick Bites: 'Watching a monkey [make love] to a football,' mad pumpkin affection and 17 other loveable foodie items.

For better and for worse, Cachagua General Store’s Chef Mike Jones has been on some epic Facebook rants over the years.

Like the time he wrote, “I am not using the ‘C’ word to describe this douche bag. Under duress…[a patron] left $40 on a $350 check. The single mothers who were his waitresses, his skilled and dedicated wine steward…took it in the ass.”


Now he offers more of the dangers of Yelp with a surprisingly short—and unsurprisingly fair—tirade, the kind that hard-core raging Yelpers might love:

"Yelp has jumped the shark. We now have guests right out loud threatening negative reviews if their meal is not comped…and hotels, caterers and restaurants giving guests contracts that promise no reviews at all in exchange for service."

"There is a reason restaurant reviewing is a profession…requiring judgment, skills and consistency…

"A.A. Gill is the ultimate....he once described a Gordon Ramsay shrimp dish as having the texture of 'Pinocchio's balls.

"Or some guy named Mike Jones who got fired as a food writer for writing: 'Watching the service at the [now-defunct] Ryan Ranch Rotisserie is like watching a monkey f*** a football.'

More nourishing food nuggets appear below: 

• U-Pick heirloom tomatoes—50 types all told—at Serendipity Farms (726-9432) 10am-2pm Saturday and Sunday, Sept. 20-21, on Carmel Valley Road.

• Cocktail clairvoyant and former director of spirits at Restaurant 1833 Mike Lay is leaving Coastal Luxury Management to join brand new Peachtown Hospitality Group as a partner. More on the blog soon.

• Neat idea 5-7:30pm Thursday, Sept. 18, at A Taste of Monterey over the Pacific on Cannery Row: free wine tasting for those who buy a bottle of wine for local SPCA’s Fling the Ring toss at the incredible annual Wild Celebration with owl releases Oct. 5. More at 264-5431 or jnelson@spcamc.org.

• Meredith Marin’s in as new chef de cuisine at Crema (324-0347) in Pacific Grove after time at Toast and Corkscrew Café. Lunch is full-menued and full flavored too.

• Glass Pumpkin Patch of Carmel at MEarth blows things up with 1,500 hand-blown treasures to boost eco-literacy nonprofit host MEarth and the help of four rising star chefs—Brian Kearns (La Bicyclette), Soerke Peters (Basil Seasonal Dining), Brad Briske (la Balena) and Tim Wood (Carmel Valley Ranch) doing small bites each day (Saturday and Sunday), live music from the likes of Kenny Stahl and Roger Eddy, instant wine cellar drawings and the gorgeous organic school gardens themselves. A glass-blowing demo precedes the plump pumpkiness with snacks and wine from Bernardus and Carmel Belle, 5:30-7:30pm Thursday, Sept. 18, at Masaoka Glass Design. Free admission; $20/chef tasting tickets. 624-1032, mearthcarmel.org.

• Valley Hills Deli and BBQ (293-8608) next to Baja Cantina now offers a quick A.M. items like toasted ham and Swiss croissants.

• ”Travel that makes a difference” is the theme driving the latest potluck at Monterey Hostel. Think Peace Corps, American Field Service, working with Habitat for Humanity, or on Elder Hostel projects, bring a dish, learn, share 6pm Monday, Sept. 22, 899-3046, www.hiusa.org. (See p. 41.)

• L’Aubergine Carmel (624-8578) swept up accolades from Travel + Leisure as one of their top 100 hotels overall, and from Wine Spectator, which honored its wine selection, quality and presentation with a Best of Award of Excellence. James Beard Award-nominated executive chef Justin Cogley and pastry chef Ron Mendoza host cooking classes select Wednesdays until Dec. 17 (full schedule at auberginecarmel.com, $100 plus tax, includes champagne welcome).

• Look for goodies like shrimp po’ boys, boudin balls and crawfish Monica at the Monterey Jazz Fest from P.G.’s Aqua Terra Culinary—two of their main chefs lived and cooked in NOLA—and a recipe for the crawfish dish on the blog within 24 hours.

• Oh hell yes: Every Thursday night (5-9pm), Carmel Valley’s Corkscrew Café (659-8888) loads up plates with Southern-style fried chicken, okra, sausage gravy and artisan buttermilk biscuits for $20. Half-off their wood-fired pizzas 5-6pm daily too.

• Montrio Bistro (648-8880) rolls out music, wines and bites to fill The Fund for Homeless Women 5:30-7:30pm Oct. 2 ($50, 373-4441).

• House of Gyros in Seaside (394-4420) is working on feta fries—like chili cheese fries, only with feta, cucumber sauce and jalapeños. Follow @MontereyMCA for such salivatory updates.

• On Oct. 3 (5:30-7pm), Twisted Roots Tasting Room (594-8282) hosts its first-ever fundraiser benefitting Ag Against Hunger. Event will feature a Paella live cooking demo by Chef Brandon Miller and includes two glasses of wine ($10 for additional glasses). Tickets go for $35 online through PayPal, and only 50 spots are available.

• Local artist Patricia Qualls debuts her abstract art series Terroir – Sacred Space in Trio Carmel’s (250-7714) contemporary art gallery, where olive oils and wines also rule. Free reception is held Sept. 26, 5-7pm and open to the public.

• RIP Rufus Ripsteen, one of the best four-legged money men friends I’ve been lucky enough to know.

• Follow @MontereyMCA for tweets and Instagram peeks at events like Wednesday (Sept. 17) and the Great Bowls of Fire Chili Cook-off. You might be surprised by what you find.

• Looking ahead, Oct. 11 the San Benito Olive Festival (888-503-3373) brings award-winning olive oils, live cooking demos, premium wines, craft beers and regional dishes to Bolado Park in Tres Pinos. ($20/adult $10/child).

• For something deliciously different: The Sea Mont Memorial VFW Post #8679 and Ladies Auxiliary hosts a Caribbean food-live reggae thing 5pm-1:30am Sept. 20. Similarly downhome eats happen at the Social Men’s Club in Seaside (where the ladies usually outnumber the men) with Fish Fry Fridays.