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SET ’EM UP, ZOLE… My sweetie and I are still in the throes of confusion over our new satellite TV and exactly what channels are available and for how much. We agree that all these companies—cell phone providers, health insurers, credit card lenders, you name it—create this completely unintelligible language, ridiculously complex formulae and indecipherable stipulations that flummox the entire population. Why can’t somebody make things fairer and simpler, with the consumer’s interests, not greed and deceit, as motivation?

That’s why God invented distillation. Think I’ll be checking out Afternoon Cocktail Hour at Bernardus Lodge on Saturday, June 16, from 3 to 5pm when bar manager ZOLE “MIXMEISTER” ANDAHAZY busts out a cocktail demonstration. He’ll zip through the basics for you novices, then whip up some of his fantastic recipes like “Rosa Especial,” which recently won the Leblon Cachaca competition in San Fran. The cocktail reception will be accompanied by hors d’oeuvres by CAL “SHAKER TIN” STAMENOV, who, like most chefs, is really envious of bartenders because they get all the dates. It’s nice to see the true stars of restaurants getting recognition. Food may keep you alive, but a great cocktail can make you live. $65 per person, inclusive (and underpriced); bernardus.com or 888-648-9463.

BIG NEWS… Lots of stuff going on so please forgive me if I miss something. COOKING FOR SOLUTIONS at the Aquarium is here, May 18-19. This is the stuff I’m talking about, my friends—thinking about how and what we eat, how it’s cultivated, how to keep it going and how to help the planet while doing it. Sustainable seafood, organic agriculture… not revolutionary concepts, unless you’re a gigantic multi-national “food” conglomerate.

Folks are trying real hard to put more thought, sensitivity and work in seeing the big picture. This great event brings together restaurants, wineries, agriculture, fishing and others to keep the progress moving forward. People all over the world, join hands, hop on board that train. Find info at mbayaq.org and get to this event, yeah that means you.

Bouchée reopened with a smooth bang last week. Looks great, tastes great, still filling. Beautiful upgrades of décor by KATHLEEN FINK, a truly gifted designer. No point in me telling you anything; get in, have some wine, some food, enjoy your life for a change. If you want something grand and structured, go to their upcoming ROBERT FOLEY wine dinner on May 24. He’s a bigshot winemaker from Napa with huge reputation, small production, you know the deal. Call 626-7880 or boucheecarmel.com.

KID’S GOT A FUTURE… Big ups (to quote da Ali G) to Carl Massaro. I remember him when he was an aspiring Little League shortstop. Now he’s finishing up at Monterey High, heading off to Full Sail, a school for film, art, design, music and media production near Orlando, Florida. Seems he’s got a knack for mixing boards in modern musical production and wowed the admissions counselors there on a recent trip. He loved them, they loved him, now he’ll be off for some very intense, cutting-edge training in the fascinating world of electronic media. By the way, there have been 27 Academy Award winners from that school… this year. I say right on you big Carl you.

BIG OOPS… My man MARK “TINY” ANDERSON wants to make amends. He must have been still pumped up from leading The Weekly Warriors to a victory in the Good Old Days Media Basketball Tourney. Here’s his personal mea culpa: “A few weeks back, I wrote in ‘Feast’ that at An Choi, a new contemporary Asian spot on the far far end of Lighthouse Avenue, it’s best to follow the cues of the sweet and friendly staff when ordering. I have to do so here. Kindly owner THANH TRUONG (and a couple of concerned readers) pointed out that I mistook the ingredient in a sweet potato shrimp tart. I thought it was plain potato; turns out it was actually made with white yam. As a very eager and pensive entrepreneur, Truong’s worried people will think he’s taking shortcuts. So folks, take note: I yam sorry I got that wrong. And the guy cares a whole lot about his product.”

BUILT TO LAST… Hey, it’s almost May 19, the official debut of the Wine Artisans of the Santa Lucia Highlands. Paraiso Vineyards, one of the founding members, is hosting a celebration of the newly formed organization with strolling wine tasting, special reserves, food by CAL “WINO WILLIE” STAMENOV, all the winemakers, fun… this is big. Get on santaluciahighlands.com/events now and get down there.

Had to miss the annual American Culinary Federation, Monterey Chapter Chef of the Year Award Dinner—was on the injured reserve list. Thankfully I had my two correspondents, DAN and CHERYL WARNER, the Woodward and Bernstein of Peninsula restaurant investigative reporting, covering the scene. Cheryl picked up an award herself for… well nobody actually knows why, just that they knew she deserved one. Chef of the Year PAUL J. LEE, an educator at Monterey Peninsula College, thanked the important folks, like Chef WILLI FRANZ and his sous, BARRE MILLER, along with their staff who cooked and served that night’s dinner at the Marriott. Of course, BERT CUTINO and a cast of local dignitaries (made all the more dignified by my absence) lit up the room. The first ever Celebrate Chef Award was given to CAL “HOLLYWOOD” STAMENOV for his years of excellence and… celebrity. Congrats to all.

Don’t forget Chef TODD FISHER’S wacky Italian Wine Extravaganza and Chef’s Dinner on May 29 at Hullaballoo, 754-2433… AIWF restaurant crawl in Napa on June 4 at REDD, call MICHAEL MASTROCOLA, 659-0151… Farmers market back in the Barnyard every Tuesday 11am to 3pm… MEGAN WALTER is getting married, details to follow… I’m melting.