Squidfry 12.23.21: ’Twas the Night Before Squid-Mas

’TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SQUID-MAS… It wouldn’t be accurate to say the holidays are Squid’s favorite time of year – Squid prefers the long days of summer – but Squid is a festive cephalopod, and a generous one, and loves giving gifts at this time of year.

So let’s get started: to the residents of Carmel, Squid bequeaths a print of “Café Terrace at Night” by Vincent Van Gogh, and a prescription of chill pills (or, a trip to a local cannabis dispensary could suffice). Most people enjoy outdoor dining – also, we’re still in a pandemic! – so just live and let live (and let the city collect its $842-per-parking-space monthly rent).

For the City of Seaside, Squid gives 11,000 new housing units – what city officials expect could be built at max capacity under State Senate Bill 9 – but a number that an urgency ordinance approved by Seaside City Council on Dec. 16 would limit, by a lot. (Squid may not have to give this as a gift, because Squid won’t be surprised if state housing officials come and demand it.)

Squid would also like to give that City Council the wisdom to take away Mayor Ian Oglesby’s autocratic control over every item that ends up on the council’s agenda – which the council inexplicably gave him earlier this year, in a 3-2 vote – but Squid cannot, because he would never put it on the agenda. Oh well!

For U.S. Rep. Jimmy Panetta, D-Carmel Valley, Squid offers an electric car, which he’ll need to mitigate his carbon footprint – if he gets reelected – to travel the new congressional district that cuts out the Salinas Valley, but stretches down the coast from Santa Cruz and into San Luis Obispo County.

And to the Salinas Valley politicians unhappy their new congressional district is lumped in with San Jose, and who also voted as members of the LAFCO board to not allow MPWMD to buy out Cal Am – ahem, County Supervisor Chris Lopez and Salinas Mayor Kimbley Craig! – Squid gifts the world’s smallest violins. (If you don’t want to grow the Lettuce Curtain, stop giving it water and sun!)

For State Sen. Anna Caballero, who just got drawn out of a job just one term before she would have termed out in Sacramento (see story, p. 20), Squid gives a plum appointment somewhere­ – she’s earned it.

Monterey County Health Officer Edward Moreno can’t catch a break – everyone hates him during this pandemic for either doing too much or doing too little to stop a virus that’s out of his control. Squid gives Moreno a much-needed vacation.

And for the five candidates (and counting) running for the position of Monterey County sheriff in 2022, Squid wishes a civil campaign season. Sheriff’s races are notoriously nasty, sure, but it’s been a rough couple of years, and all most people want is just to be safe and neighborly: Can’t we all just get along?

That’s what Squid asked for this Christmas.