SQUIDFRY 06.17.21: System Failure

SYSTEM FAILURE… Squid was scrolling through Squid’s old not-so-smart smartphone when Squid came upon news from Apple with a preview of their new operating system, coming this fall. It promises new shortcuts, irrelevant for Squid who does everything the lazy, inefficient way when given a choice; SharePlay for sharing a screen; and new options for listening and watching things in sync with friends.

All fine and good, except Apple continues to poach names for its operating systems from Squid’s habitat. First there was Big Sur (Squid still hasn’t made that upgrade, whoops) and now, it’s macOS Monterey. If only Squid could collect royalties on the use of these names, Squid would be able to buy a new laptop that could handle an upgrade.

FOR THE WIN… Squid woke up on June 15 and could hardly contain Squid’s excitement – it was finally the big day, California’s reopening day. Even better, it was the day Gov. Gavin Newsom was set to give out a whopping $15 million in cash prizes, $1.5 million each to 10 random vaccinated Californians. Squid is what Squid considers “extra vaccinated”: a needle for every tentacle. Not that Squid was eligible to win the Vax for the Win lottery – due to a clerical error cephalopods were prohibited from entering.

Never mind, Squid decided to tune in for the spectacle of it all. Squid loves a spectacle. So Squid fired up Squid’s aforementioned (if out-of-date) laptop just in time to see Newsom take the stage at Universal Studios in Hollywood, right in front of the spinning globe with hordes of truly disinterested-seeming tourists milling about in the background. On stage: a podium bearing a “California Roars Back” sign, one of those lottery ball machines and a big map of the state for marking winners (the state announces the winners by county of residence only in the interest of privacy).

Squid was disappointed to find out no one from Monterey County won $1.5 million (the person from Monterey County who won $50,000 on Friday, June 11 has not chosen to reveal themself – won’t you privately reveal yourself, and take Squid out for a nice dinner, at least?). But Squid was not at all disappointed by the spectacle. There were dancing Minions! Comically large checks! Confetti! Weird jaunty music!

And while today’s 10 winners are surely thrilled, the best news, Squid thinks, is for Newsom himself – if he loses his spot in the governor’s mansion he always has a bright future hosting a game show. In the meantime, Squid will busy Squidself in petitioning the state to allow cephalopods in the next vaccine incentive giveaway on July 1. Squid would love an all-expenses paid trip to learn to surf in San Diego.