Squid becomes a militiapod and sets out to take over Monterey County

Sopping Wet…Squid spent the weekend recovering from an epic pleasure hangover, the result of one too many fish-sauce martinis and too much rich seafood. Sure, Squid went on a bender, but Squid was driven there by the media—first with its round-the-clock coverage of that stupid-cute wild baby otter born at the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s tide pool, then with the constant updates of the pregnant elephant seal who kept trying to cross Highway 37 in Sonoma County. And then, adding insult to injury, there came the underwater video of the giant squid pulsing slowly through Toyama Bay in Japan. (“Hmph,” Squid thought, ”I swim more gracefully than that. Why am I not a social media sensation?”)

Squid got so demoralized, in fact, that Squid turned to the biggest human news of the day—those yahoos (oops, Squid means militiamen)—who on Saturday took over a national wildlife refuge in Oregon in support of a couple of ranchers who are going back to prison for committing arson. The group was joined by the sons of avowed racist/federal law-denier/Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy, and said offspring have apparently warned the cops they’re prepared to go down in a gunfight rather than surrender.

The situation set the social media world aflame, as the group quickly gained nicknames like #VanillaIsis, #YokelHaram and Squid’s favorite, #Y’allQaeda (which follows Shania law and is waging #YeeHad.) Maybe the best summary came from Twitter user Tristan Salazar, who penned this ditty set to the tune of Vanilla Ice’s seminal white rap hit “Ice Ice Baby:”

Stop

Mobilize and Listen

#VanillaISIS back with a brand new militia

BLM grab the land so tightly

Illegally graze my cattle nightly

It got Squid to thinking: maybe since Squid can’t garner media fame as a marine animal, maybe Squid can become a militiapod and set out to occupy something in Monterey County.

Squid thought about taking over Carmel City Hall for the fun of it (the city seems to hate fun) but then Squid realized Mayor Jason Burnett could call Del Rey Oaks Mayor Jerry Edelen and ask to borrow that city’s MRAP and blow Squid to smithereens. Squid then decided to focus on taking over the Department of Defense building on the former Fort Ord, and transform it into a beautiful welcome center for the Fort Ord National Monument, but as Squid was building a diorama display for the new monument HQ, Squid accidentally glued Squid’s tentacles together. That plan was abandoned.

Squid finally decided to lead Squid’s army to the Salinas River Wildlife Refuge, where just a few ducks hang out. Squid decided it would be the best way to pay homage to the Bundy’s: Taking over a place that basically nobody goes to or notices.

But maybe Squid should take over something useful. Squid could also storm Colton Hall and negotiate the leases for Fisherman’s Wharf and Wharf 2 to actually be fair. Then Squid will be chased away by angry restaurateurs and actually have to take refuge somewhere; too bad all the refuges are under siege.