Squid cleans the lair, and decides to turn Republican in search of a new job

Tricky Dick…Squid gets a touch of melancholia around this time of the year, what with all the pondering of the past, looking forward to the future and the endless chores that go along with getting one’s house in order for the new year. Like putting together receipts for Squid’s accountant (“Did Squid really spend that much on absinthe at Restaurant 1833?”) and purging the lair of evidence of last year’s resolutions (learning to speak Portuguese in 12 easy lessons, it turns out, wasn’t easy at all). And as thoughts turn to 2015, thoughts also turn to money. There’s gotta be a way, Squid thinks, to make more clams than Squid currently makes off of newspaper snark.

Like manna from heaven, the Craigslist ad appeared. “Compensation: Potentially excellent pay and benefits.” Qualifications: Almost none, except for the ability to fundraise, it would seem. And the job: Run for office—any office—as a Republican candidate for the 2015-2016 election cycle.

“Assembly, Board of Supervisors, city councils, school boards, special districts, etc. Must be fiscally conservative and pro-business. Training and management provided for the right candidates. Some record of community service, personal network and ability to fundraise highly desirable. Start your political career here and now and do some good for your community. Serious and legitimate inquiries ONLY. Confidentiality assured.”

The ads were placed by local political consultant Andrew Russo, who announced as much via press release a few weeks back.

“We simply took a leaf from the story about how Richard Nixon—for better or for worse—was first recruited to run for Congress back in 1946; it was a newspaper ad placed by a group of local businessmen looking for a candidate to run against Jerry Voorhis.”

According to Russo’s release, there have been a steady stream of interested responses. Many have been non-serious, he says, but adds there are some fresh faces and new blood out there thinking about running for office.  

The point? It’s a way to counter what Russo calls the local Democrats’ “political machine” and its penchant for “puppet candidates.”

Why be a puppet for the Democrats when you can be a puppet for the Republicans, Squid thinks. Now if only Squid can make sure all of Squid’s naked selfies are removed from the Internet, Squid can consider having a serious career in politics.