Pacific Grove writer flunks his first big screen test.

It''s too bad there isn''t a sliding scale admission at the local cineplex based on how much a movie cost to make plus the moviemakers'' original aspirations. Not all movies have a bajillion-dollar budget, and even fewer filmmakers desire to make the next Citizen Kane. Of course, my proposal will never happen--it makes way too much sense. But imagine if the fantasy came true...

INT. OFFICE. DAY

MOVIE PRODUCER is sitting behind desk.

REPORTER (Off Screen)

Tell us a little about your new movie.

MOVIE PRODUCER

(Chuckles) Well, it isn''t a very good movie. But that wasn''t our goal. We just wanted to cover the rent while we found out if the director has any talent.

EXT. CINEMA 70. NIGHT

GEORGE and MARCIA are exiting theater.

MARCIA

That wasn''t a very good movie...

GEORGE

But for a buck and a half, it wasn''t bad!

GEORGE and MARCIA laugh heartily.

In this sort of fantasy, everyone would be happy. And it would make it a lot easier to judge a movie like Horror 101, which opens this weekend for a limited run at Galaxy 6. Filmed for under $2 million (a pittance these days), 101 is a modest film intended to appeal to a family audience.

Lead writer and associate producer for the film is Pacific Grove''s Daniel Miller, probably best known to local residents as a political activist and frequent candidate for elected office. Locally, Miller also has involved himself in the music scene as a sometimes promoter.

Sharing credit with Miller are two other writers, including Jenny McPhee--another name long associated with the local musical landscape.

The film boasts one big-name actress, one who is likely to inflame the memory (and certain other body parts) of male viewers over the age of 30: Bo Derek, whose career must really be sagging (although the rest of her still looks pretty damn good).

The names of the other actors will be unknown to most audiences--and given how little the actors have to work with, their names will languish in obscurity until a better vehicle comes along.

101 aspires to be a suspense-driven horror movie about a group of college students taking the filmmaking class of the title. Employing some of the conventions of the genre, the class includes the brainy guy, the jock, the cheerleader, the good girl, the upright guy and the misfit.

On the night of class finals, the teacher, Miss James (Derek), and one of the students fail to show up. As the rest of the assembled set out in search of the missing, students disappear one by one. The disappearing teenager act is a tried-and-true formula that should be easy to replicate. But that doesn''t happen here.

Although there''s lots of talk in the script about psychological motivations, there''s little evidence of it on the screen. The characters are so utterly one-dimensional, we''re given no real reason to suspect that they are capable of murder.

Sure, there''s a guy who wears a Goth black trench coat and is kind of a smartass, but he seems otherwise so squeaky clean you''d think he was an Osmond brother going through a goofy phase. And there''s the nerdy guy who''s all wrapped up in studying criminal psychology, but we don''t see any inner demons being bred by his studies.

You''d think that a movie of this title would pay homage to some of the great movies in the horror canon--there are plenty to choose from. But, oddly, it seems to be a movie that learned little from its predecessors. It has none of the psychological terror of a Alfred Hitchcock''s film, virtually none of the blood from the spate of splatter flicks, and no good monsters.

In the end, Horror 101 resembles a children''s television script more than anything else. In the ''90s there was a Nickelodeon TV series targeted for young viewers called "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" It was the kind of program that might give a few thrills to the 12-and-under crowd--but not enough of a scare that it would keep them awake at night. Horror 101 is a lot like that. Smooth, bland and easily assimilated.

For a buck and a half, it wouldn''t be a bad movie.

Horror 101... ( * )

Director: James Dudelson

Starring: Bo Derek, Brigetta Dau, Lisa Gordon, Josh Holland, Paityn James, Michael Moon, Scott Rinker, Justin Urich, Jason Wolk

Where: Galaxy 6
When: See Movie Times