None

DENNIS THE MENACE...The circus is coming to town. Oops, Squid's bad. It's just 2004 presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. FYI--the Democratic Ohio Congressman will speak at the Teamsters Union hall in Salinas at 11am May 25. Sure he's anti-war and pro-labor--Squid likes all that. But he's a little too kooky (read: a little too new-agey, anti-choice and easily excitable) to win an election. Then there's the whole Mayor of Ohio, I'd-rather-let-the-city-go-bankrupt-than-sell-the-power-plant thing. And he has a tendency to co-opt former Democratic Vermont Governor Howard Dean's progressive politics, like health care for all Ameri- cans. Squid note: Dean's also anti-war and pro-labor. It may be simply Squid's humble opinion, but Squid thinks Dean's the real progressive candidate here.

And for all Squid's beloved few-tentacles-short-of-a-cephalopod readers who vote, the United Fascist Union recently announced that candidate Jack Grimes will run for president in 2004. According to the UFU Web site, Grimes ran for president in 2000 and placed in sixth place. Another Squid note: Squid went to college with a mollusk by the same name who kept two pet ferrets and smoked a lot of pot in the dorms, both illegal in California. Hmmm, must be a different guy.

THE NOT SO YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS...If Pacific Grove was the set of a soap opera, which one would it be? Okay, Squid doesn't actually watch the soaps, since the reception is a little fuzzy underneath the kelp layer, but all the whining and blaming and whispers in PG look pretty melodramatic even through the turbulence. Maybe a better question would be, if PG were a kindergarten, who would be the kindergarteners, telling secrets and making rude accusations?

Well, there's Morrie Fisher, the mayor who's rumored to have plotted to overthrow outgoing police chief Scott Miller in favor of promoting one of his buddies in the department. There's councilmember Susan Goldbeck, who has threatened the city with a lawsuit, unless City Manager Ross Hubbard turns over employee records. Goldbeck, who's been met with just a bit of resistance, (think Squid asking a shark for a bite of calamari) says that the Brown Act (which says that public agencies in California make decisions in front of the public) "is a joke in PG." There's charges by Goldbeck that most of the council members and do major squid-pro-quo, um, that's quid-pro-quo for the city employees.

Goldbeck also says Hubbard plays 18-holes of golf on the days there are city council meetings, and she has asked that the city eliminate its free golf for employees policies. Goldbeck got a big "no" vote on that one, but as far as her resistance from Hubbard, it may not be an issue for much longer. He's rumored to be on the way out as well. And Squid got a hot-as-burnt-calamari tip that angry citizens were riled up in front of the PG post office Tuesday, demanding the resignation of the mayor. Oooh, it's better than As The Quaint Little America's Last Hometown Turns.

All Days Of Our Pagrovian Lives needs now is a few steamy, bodice-ripping scenes, a mysterious kidnapping and maybe a lead character (Fisher?) waking up and finding himself possessed by the devil, and Squid's got a hit TV show on Squid's hands. Err, tentacles.