As the Church responds to decades of abuse, those most deeply injured struggle to find meaning.

Photo: Randy Tunnell; Bishop Sylvester Ryan of the Diocese of Monterey promises accountability from priests and help for parishioners.

In the midst of controversy and shattered faith, the Catholic Church and its victims wait for change to heal their wounds. Sexual assault survivors, reeling with what will undoubtedly be a lifetime of hurt, ache for answers and resolve. The Church seeks to provide both. But how can it ever begin to restore the innocence lost in the face of crimes that have spanned decades?

Bishop Sylvester Ryan of the Diocese of Monterey says the issue goes beyond a crisis of faith.

"I think there''s something much, much deeper," Ryan says. "Even if there wasn''t a law and all of this adverse publicity. It should never have happened because it''s so contrary to the Gospel. We need to deal with it according to the Gospel. We need to be sure it doesn''t happen again, and that we do everything that can be done, simply because we''re a Gospel people and not just because we''re under fire."

Ryan says the Church''s primary interest is in providing help for those healing and grieving, and acting as a bridge between family and faith.

One thing the Church can do, Ryan says, is to implement a structure for change.

"There needs to be a protocol, a fundamental basis to the protocol, and there has to be accountability," Ryan says. "There needs to be a mechanism whereby we''re continually assessed-a team evaluation and accountability that makes it clear what we''re about."

Ryan says the Diocese of Monterey has had such a protocol in place since 1994, outlining everything from reporting procedures to an outreach program for victims and their families, as well as for the priest involved. He describes in detail the process of healing to which he has personally given careful thought and consideration.

The first step in the process, Ryan says, is that a "sensitivity team" is put into place to ascertain the reliability of the claim. If there''s probability of truth, the priest is put on administrative leave.

Ryan says that there have been no recent reports of sexual assault by local priests, but that there were reports from individuals who said they had been molested by their priests decades ago. He declined to give specifics.

Yemanja Krasnow, Associate Director of the Women''s Crisis Center in Salinas (whose agency takes calls from men and women), says she has received 15 to 20 calls from victims of sexual assaults by priests and clergy members in the four years she''s been in her position. She says she is unaware of any local Catholic priests involved in any recent abuse, but added that often such information is simply not disclosed by survivors.

Krasnow says the abuse suffered by her agency''s clientele has been far-reaching, from inappropriate kissing and touching to repeated abuse. The Center provides a 24-hour crisis line as well as in-person counseling and ongoing support through the recovery process: the sexual assault examination, the law enforcement interview, the legal system, and long-term after-care.

The Center is also a place where local priests have sought counsel, Krasnow says. She says local Catholic priests have come to the center to seek advice and counsel about what to do after a parishioner has come to them about abuse suffered at the hands of other Catholic priests.

While priests are "mandatory reporters" who are legally required to turn over information about assaults to law enforcement, some have struggled with the idea, she says. When priests feared damaging a relationship with the family involved by reporting an incident, the Center has been able to successfully act as a mediator.

Krasnow says none of those incidents involved local Catholic priests as perpetrators.

As social awareness around issues of sexual abuse blossoms, so too does the number of survivors who feel empowered enough to come forward and share their stories.

Sheri Wade, now a Peninsula resident, was abused by her Catholic priest from adolescence into early adulthood. Wade (who asked that we not use her real name) says her abuser is still a practicing priest although she declines to say where. She adds that her matter was never handled criminally, and that the priest was never reprimanded. Wade says she struggled to come forward. "I thought, Who would ever believe me? This man''s a priest," she said.

Melissa Lawrence is a Pacific Grove woman who came forward after more than 20 years of silence to talk about the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her non-Catholic minister in Hollister. She says she lived in silence out of pure terror.

The abuse Lawrence suffered from the time she was eight to around 14 years of age, both physically and emotionally, changed her life forever. She deals with trust issues even with those closest to her, and is extremely reluctant to place her children in situations in which they would be alone with an adult-even seemingly benign situations like piano lessons. (Lawrence''s minister was also her piano teacher.)

Wade''s experience has been similar. She suffered from chronic depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. "It''s affected every aspect of my life: physically, emotionally, spiritually. And trust has been an issue with pretty much everyone in my life since," Wade says.

Judy Masliyah, a marriage and family therapist in Monterey who works in sexual abuse recovery, says she has seen a handful of other clients who were sexually abused by clergy members when they were children. She says the most destructive dynamic is the betrayal.

"Children discover that someone they''ve been dependent upon, had so much faith in, this God-like figure, has caused them harm," she says. "And for the family, it''s this sudden realization that this trusted person manipulated them through lies and misrepresentations without moral standards to get to their children. It''s absolutely devastating.

"The second dynamic is the shame and guilt the child feels, compounded by the fact that the abuser is a priest."

Masliyah explains that most perpetrators of this kind of sexual abuse coerce their victims with rewards of affection, attention, privileges and gifts.

Lawrence experienced exactly that. "There were special groups of us, male and female," she recalls. "You had to be chosen to be part of his group. You felt special because this man from God had chosen you. And then on top of that, he would pick out a few of us who were even more special. Ultimately, it was the rape of a soul."

Wade echoes Lawrence''s sentiments. "There''s simply no place for people like me to go at that point in our lives. There was literally no one to turn to."

Krasnow says the physical extent of the abuse is immaterial.

"It simply doesn''t matter whether it was sodomy or oral copulation or fondling. Abuse is abuse," she says. "The end result of the abuse has more to do with what''s going on in terms of support systems available to the survivor and the degree of manipulation and control used in the abuse," she says. "No two people will ever react the same, and everyone will recover at their own pace. There just is no lesser of the two evils."

While there are no surefire ways of guaranteeing 100 percent protection of children from potential abusers-who can be found in every walk of life, every religion and every profession-most agree that there are ways to increase the chances that a child will feel emotionally empowered enough to say no to perpetrators, and come forward sooner rather than later.

Sister Lydia, director of the Catechical Ministries department of the Diocese of Monterey, says parents need to instruct their children about setting boundaries.

"Parents should make it clear to their children [that] ''If anyone-anyone-does something to make you feel uncomfortable or afraid, come tell me,''" she says.

Krasnow agrees.

"We urge children to keep telling until someone believes them," she says. "Children need to be taught about the old standbys: good touch/bad touch, good secret/bad secret."

Sister Lydia also stresses the need for parents to let their children know they have their absolute permission to say no, no matter who it is: a priest, a nun, a teacher, a coach, an uncle.

And statistics support those examples. Krasnow says that 98 percent of perpetrators of sexual abuse toward children are people the children and families know, love, trust, and not a soul would believe that they could be doing it.

Lawrence thinks the main factor is parents'' faith in their children. "Believe your children," she says, "and let them know that you will believe them no matter what."

Krasnow says that like most other violent crimes, only about two percent of all sexual abuse reports made are false.

And experts agree that long-term effects of sexual abuse by someone as sacred as a priest can last indefinitely. Forty years after her release from her sexual abuse, Lawrence is still in therapy. "A part of me," adds Wade, "is eternally devastated. There''s no packing away of the damage that''s done. If you don''t visit clergy abuse, it eventually visits you," she says of her 30 years in and out of therapy since the abuse.

Like other victims, Lawrence has contemplated suicide and has struggled with prescription drug dependency to ease her pain.

Lawrence left her church and converted to Catholicism, from which she is also now estranged. As for Wade, she says her belief in God was ruined by the experience. "My spiritual life itself was forever sullied," she says, "and I just cannot reconnect spiritually." Wade has never returned to the Catholic church-or any church.

"Whether or not survivors ever get back to that place with God is a very individual process," Masliyah says. "Yes, it can happen, but some people need to completely step back from organized religion."

Bishop Ryan says that the Church has definitely met with alienation and anger. "People have a sense of trust in priests that''s been attacked," he says. "To what degree, I''m not sure. There''s an enormous amount of trust between parishioners and priests. It''s been violated."

Nowadays, seminaries conduct rigorous psychological evaluations in their screening processes for the priesthood. And support systems are in place for priests who need them.

Priests who have struggled with sexual problems of any kind are offered sabbaticals of up to a year, during which they undergo spiritual and group counseling. And then only after a full evaluation and recommendation by a team of experts are they returned to their parish. In some cases, they are not returned.

Bishop Ryan says he has trust that we are now finished with controversy and on the path toward recovery.

"Of course you never know what''s going to happen anywhere," he says. "But our priests-I''m impressed with their personal commitment and their pastoral commitment."

At last week''s meeting between American cardinals and Pope John Paul II, a Papal delegation called for "the dismissal from the clerical state of a priest who has become notorious and is guilty of the serial, predatory, sexual abuse of minors." The delegation went on to endorse "a special process for cases which are not notorious but where the diocesan bishop considers the priest a threat for the protection of children and young people."

The directive, because it stops short of automatic dismissal, doesn''t please everyone. Krasnow believes that any priest credibly charged with pedophilia should be dismissed "because," she says, "by the time they''re caught, statistically, a pedophile has molested a minimum of 100 children on average. And only one to two percent of perpetrators can be rehabilitated."

Sister Lydia sees the cardinals'' directive as more of a starting point for the Church.

"That will be expanded on," she says. "It''s just an initial point from which the Bishops will work when they meet at a conference in June."

Bishop Ryan says that at that conference, there will be a psychologist on hand to find ways to deal with the emotions being felt nationwide.

"We have to continue working together," he says. "And I think we''re doing well with it so far. We just have to keep focused, and we have to keep thinking."