An Israeli and a Palestinian who have lost family members to violence talk about peace.

Photo: In March, the Bereaved Families for Peace arrived in New York with 1,050 coffins draped with Israeli and Palestinian flags, representing those killed in the violence between the two peoples.

Ghazi Brigieth and Rami Elhanan know what pain is. Brigieth, a Palestinian, lost his 31-year-old brother in 2000 and his 14-year-old brother in 2001. Both died at the hands of Israeli soldiers. Elhanan''s 14-year-old daughter was murdered six years ago in Jersualem by a Palestinian suicide bomber.

While such loss would--and does--drive many families to anger and hatred, Brigieth and Elhanan have chosen another route. They belong to an organization called Israeli and Palestinian Bereaved Families for Peace, and they have funneled their grief into working towards peace in their countries. They preach empathy instead of hatred and compromise instead of violence. Their ideas are not popular among their friends, families and neighbors in their respective homelands, but they speak out nonetheless. They are traveling the US in an effort to raise awareness about violence in Israel and Palestine, what must be done to achieve peace in the region and what Americans can do to help that process along.

On Tuesday, Brigieth and Elhanan will speak at the Monterey Institute for International Studies for a program sponsored by the Monterey County Citizens for Middle East Peace. The following is an interview with Israeli Rami Elhanan:

LC: What is the purpose of your tour?

RE: We are delivering the message of reconciliation between the people that paid the highest possible price, and we are saying to our people and to the world around us that if we can talk to one another, than anyone can.

LC: How did you move from a state of grief when your daughter was killed to becoming involved with this group?

RE: It is a bit of a process. When something like this happens to you, your whole life changes; your whole gene structure changes; your world is ruined. There is a lot of pain. After the seven days of Jewish mourning, everybody goes home and you are standing alone with your pain, and you have to decide what to do with the rest of your life. And actually there are only two choices. The first choice, the inevitable choice, the natural choice, is the choice of revenge and retaliation, because when someone kills your little girl you are very, very angry, and you want to get even. And then you ask yourself, will that bring back my baby? Will that make the cycle of violence stop? And we [members of Bereaved Families] always say we lost our children, but we didn''t lose our heads. There are other alternatives like trying to understand what happened, why did it happen? How can you prevent it from happening again? What can cause someone to be so desperate that he''s willing to blow himself up with a little girl? When you go deep into it, you understand. I''m an Israeli, I''m a Jew, I''m a Zionist, but first I am a human being, and my pain and my blood and my tears are exactly the same as that of my Palestinian friends.

LC: I understand that many Israelis have that same kind of empathy for the Palestinians, but many do not.

RE: The majority don''t. I am not considering myself to be something special. I think it is a matter of developing a kind of strength that leads you to use your pain in a constructive way, because you have to take the pain somewhere. And when I get up in the morning, the natural feeling is to not get out of bed at all. Now I found something constructive to do with my pain. [When invited to join Bereaved Families for Peace] I was very hesitant. It became the most important thing in my life. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It gave me a reason to get out and speak to the media and speak to the American people and speak to my own people, persuade them that we are not doomed. It is not our destiny to die, we can choose the other way.

LC: Is peace possible between Israel and Palestine?

RE: I''m certain that peace will come in the end. In the short run it will be very, very difficult. The current Israeli government doesn''t want peace, doesn''t want to give up, doesn''t want to compromise. And we will pay a very high price for this obstinacy. But in the long run everybody knows exactly what will happen. It doesn''t really matter what your political beliefs are, the agreement is on the table. And it will happen the minute the price of not having peace exceeds the price of peace. And then the two sides will crawl back to the negotiating table to begin exactly where they left off.

LC: So you think Israel should withdraw to the 1967 border?

RE: Tomorrow morning. Everybody knows that this is the only solution. The Arabs will not throw us into the sea, and we will not make them vanish in the air. So the only solution is to give up what is not ours. And we cannot going on sitting on the heads of three and a half million Palestinians with no democratic rights and hope they will not bite back. They will bite back.

LC: How important is it for the US to be involved in the peace process?

RE: The only power on earth that has the key to solve this madness is the US. And the most disturbing thing is the US is not using the key at all. You are taking sides. You are supporting Israel unconditionally. You are not fulfilling the part of the honest negotiator. And I think Americans fail to see the real Israeli interest. The occupation is killing Israel. I''m not talking from the point of view of the Palestinians, I''m talking from the part of the Israelis. I''m a loyal Israeli. I fought three wars as a soldier in the Israeli army. My son served as a combat soldier in the Israeli army. And the existence of the Israeli state as a Jewish state is my own concern, my only concern. And the way we are going now, keeping going the occupation, is killing us. And the thing that nobody has the guts to talk about is of young Israelis that finish their army service and go abroad and never come back. We are now on the verge of the destruction of the state of Israel as a Jewish state, because we are occupying and oppressing other people for the sake of nothing, for the sake of 200,000 settlers that should come home. We are not gaining anything out of this occupation but blood, and the price is getting higher all the time.

LC: What can Americans do to help the peace process?

RE: I''m the son of a Holocaust survivor. My father is an Auschwitz graduate. And 60 years ago when they took my grandmother and grandfather and all my family to the ovens, the free world stood aside and did nothing. And the free world is standing aside today while these two crazy people massacre each other, and are really doing nothing. What American citizens should do is get involved. What American citizens should do is demand answers. Why do they build a wall with the American taxpayers'' money? Why do Americans support Israel unconditionally, one-sided? I think if the American people ask these questions, the American administration will have to give answers.

LC: Is the message for peace being heard?

RE: We are like people that draw out water from the ocean with a spoonful of holes. But I believe our voice is being heard. We''re having a fantastic welcome, a warm welcome here in the US, and I''m amazed by it.

Ghazi Brigieth and Rami Elhanan speak on Tuesday, Oct. 14 at 7pm at the Monterey Institute for International Studies'' Irvine Auditorium, 499 Pierce St., Monterey. 647-4100.