SquidmaClaus Is coming to town—with gifts for politicians and luminaries alike!

Merry Squidmas…At about this time every year, just before Christmas, Squid hits the panic button: Yet again, Squid has barely begun Squid’s holiday shopping, let alone made a tally of who’s been naughty or nice.

Luckily, humans always claim it’s the thought that counts, and though it’s not true, Squid, for the sake of expediency, likes to pretend that it is. So it is that every year Squid makes a gift list, and though Squid won’t actually be oozing down any chimneys to deliver said gifts, feel free to leave some shrimp popcorn next to Santa’s cookies. It would be a lovely thought.  

Onward to Squid’s list:

The subject of chimneys brings to mind Carmel Mayor Jason Burnett, who helped lead the charge in banning bonfires on Carmel Beach this past year. For Burnett, Squid would like to give a $3,300 “Vin de Flame”—a propane-fueled fire pit encased in a wine barrel, the Bentley of clean-burning fun. It’s not very practical for carrying onto the beach, but that’s what the hired help is for.

For Monterey City Manager Mike McCarthy, who oversees an annual $127 million budget, Squid wants to give the gift of a professionally-conducted performance review. It’s not that Squid thinks the Monterey City Council can’t conduct a rigorous review themselves, it’s that…just kidding! Have you ever watched a Monterey City Council meeting? It’s like Salinas with maybe 10 percent higher IQ.

For Seaside’s incoming city manager Craig Malin, who had a rocky departure from his last post in Davenport, Iowa, Squid would like to offer a clean slate. Welcome to Seaside, Craig, Squid hope you like horses. And back door deals. And In-N-Out.

As for Seaside Mayor Ralph Rubio and his pal (also a Monterey Downs backer) County Supervisor Dave Potter, Squid would like to offer a one-way plane ticket to San Diego, where the two can hang out with Downs developer Brian Boudreau and watch and bet on horse races to their heart’s content. They can buy a return ticket with their winnings.

Squid also would like to gift Potter an old video tape, circa the ‘70s, of his opponent Mary Adams cavorting and consorting with Santa’s elves, but not even dishing imaginary dirt on Adams might help his campaign (although if Adams doesn’t start taking stands on issues like water and land development, Potter might not need the help). It’s along the lines of what Squid would like to gift Supervisor Fernando Armenta with—maybe a light slip-and-fall accident for state Assemblyman Luis Alejo to take him out of running against Armenta (whom one local journalist refers to as Supervisor Mangled Syntax for the interesting word usements he makes while maintaining a stranglehold on that particular seat).

For Del Rey Oaks Police Chief Ron Langford, Squid would like to offer some new rims for the department’s mine-resistant ambush-protected vehicle, and Squid will throw in some hydraulic suspension too. Because if the only time the MRAP is used is during holiday parades, let’s have some fun with it, baby!

For Pacific Grove, Squid is buying the council rubber boots to help them wade through all the sewage that will flood the streets of America's Last Hometown during this year's El Niño season. And as a bonus, Squid is going to get them an industrial size container of magic erase to make the looming pension debt that may bankrupt the city magically disappear. Poof! Nothing to see here!

For embattled Salinas City Councilman Jose Castañeda, who is facing a trial on felony domestic violence charges, Squid would like to donate $100 to his jail commissary account. At around $5 for a bag of Cheetos, that should be enough for Castañeda to ration about one Cheeto per day. The rest of the Salinas City Council deserves fireworks—lots of them, according to former City Councilman Sergio Sanchez, who is fronting a petition to legalize the safe-and-sane explosives the council just recently banned. Sanchez could probably use a gift certificate for a chiropractor, because he strained his back under the weight of all those signature forms he dropped off at the city clerk’s office last week. Here's to blowing stuff up!

For the Monterey County Republican Central Committee (and, let’s be honest, for Squid’s own entertainment), another Democratic candidate or two to enter the fray and run for retiring Rep. Sam Farr’s congressional seat. So far, it’s just Jimmy Panetta (the lone dem) and P.G. City Councilwoman Casey Lucius, which makes the competition less exciting.

For Marina Mayor Bruce Delgado, an entire fleet of vegan-friendly food trucks, so Marina can finally make some grub available in the absence of the restaurant project City Council vetoed. Squid won’t oppose some imitation shrimp seasoning, but figures vegan offerings might be a good way to the eco-conscious mayor’s heart (and belly).

For Dennis Donohue, reigning radicchio king, former Salinas mayor and candidate for the District 4 county supervisor seat, Squid recommends some anti-coy spray, because whenever Squid’s colleagues ask him about his candidacy, he does the “aw shucks, who me?” routine and plays like he’s not actually running against Supervisor Jane Parker, despite the fact he’s already registered a committee and raised $65 grand—and that was back in June, the latest campaign finance reporting deadline. Coy just doesn’t look good on a man his age.

For David Bernahl and Coastal Luxury Management, a wildly ambitious restaurant, since they’re down to just two. Squid misses dreaming about the $1,200 lobster-stuffed king crab at bizarre and wild restaurant-entertainment venue Rose.Rabbit.Lie in Las Vegas, which went away when the Cosmopolitan’s new owners had new ideas. And Squid misses the drama around Faith & Flower in Los Angeles, which sent CLM to court repeatedly (and expensively) to wrest control of from former partner Cindy Troesh. Only CLM missed a final payment by a day and had to accept a buyout from Troesh. On second thought, maybe Squid will spring for a calendar and an alarm clock.

Local homeless really deserve a shelter, while there are a few locations being considered as Monterey has agreed to cover some costs, the bureaucratic process might delay the opening for weeks. Squid hears some local homeless advocates might lose patience and open shelters with or without government approval, to which Squid says right on. Go ahead and try to kick the homeless out of a shelter on a cold and stormy night because of zoning violations or a lack of time-consuming permits.

And for the Weekly’s crack team of chili experts who won the Golden Ladle Award for the best amateur entry with its Overall Amazing Chili at the Great Bowls of Fire Chili Cook-off this fall…the Golden Ladle. It went missing after an admiring kid broke it and Carmel Valley Chamber promised to repair it.