SQUIDFRY 12.22.22: Gifts of Giving

GIFTS OF GIVING… ’Twas the night before Squidmas, and Squid decided to set out shrimp-flavored cookies for any visitors down the chimney, pour a cup of tea and finalize Squid’s holiday gift list.

To Monterey and Carmel residents who oppose stadium lights at those two cities’ respective high schools, Squid offers blackout blinds. And after a hearty sleep, Squid offers them front-row seats for each stadium, on the off chance that when they wake up they’ll be ready to have fun.

For Del Rey Oaks residents who live near the planned FORTAG path, Squid gives you a bicycle to get out, live a little and experience just how awesome it will be when it arrives.

For the Pacific Grove Planning Commission members who recently recommended a list of outdoor dining parklet rules so onerous as to legislate them out of existence – while saying out loud that they support parklets because their own survey shows people love them (Squid included, just hold the calamari) – Squid gifts them a one-way ticket to Carmel, which successfully killed its parklets earlier this year.

For the Monterey County Sheriff’s Office, Squid was going to put new leadership in the stocking, but Monterey County voters already did that by electing outgoing Marina Police Chief Tina Nieto to the role of top cop. Squid gives her a new cowboy hat to show who’s in charge.

For John Phillips, who is retiring after two terms as county supervisor (and before that, as a Monterey County Superior Court judge and creator of nonprofit Rancho Cielo) Squid gives the gift of a much-needed vacation.

To Eric Tynan, the soon-to-be retiring general manager of Castroville Community Services District, Squid offers a much-needed divining rod – isn’t that still the best way to know where we’ll find water? – and thanks for his years of public service.

To every public agency whose board must hear testimony from California American Water officials on occasion, Squid gifts each of them a polygraph. At least then board members will know, in real time, when said reps are lying or not. (Though Squid has little doubt some electeds would probably make pains to say that lie detectors are not always accurate, and pretend to believe Cal Am anyway.)

For former Seaside councilmember Jon Wizard who bowed out of local politics to become an airline pilot, Squid gifts a pair of cool, classic aviator sunglasses. Squid wishes Wizard would stay on as a voice of reason, but understands sometimes it just makes more sense to fly away.

And on that note, Squid will be spending the holiday weekend off, giving the old ink sac a rest, just hiding out in the lair.