SQUIDFRY 05.23.19: On a Platter

ON A PLATTER… Not one to begrudge other living beings their opulent abodes, Squid is usually content occupying Squid’s humble lair. But Squid can’t help but feel a tingle of envy whenever Squid passes by the expansive pastures of El Sur Ranch on Highway 1, home to the happiest-seeming cows on Earth. They’ve got fresh air, wide open fields with an ocean view, an endless supply of food to graze on and not a human in sight to disturb the peace.

A recent jalopy ride by the ol’ bovine haven got Squid thinking. There must be a long line of folks – upscale steakhouse chefs, New American gastronomers, high-end butchers – dying to get their hands on Big Sur beef. How is it not already a famous trademark?

The owner of the property, James Hill III, confirms that the cows are exclusively grass-fed and adds that El Sur has operated continuously as a cattle ranch since 1834. “I am the third owner since the emperor of Spain,” Hill tells Squid’s colleague of the property, though he declines to share how many cattle there are: “That’s like asking a banker how much money they have.”

Is the destiny of that undisclosed number of cows a royal European platter? Turns out, nopes – these cattle get sold at auction, like any others from less scenic ranches. That means they end like any other cow on the market, probably first at a feedlot, then converted into generic hamburger meat, no royal lineage noted.

IN THE ZONE… Squid has a few healthy habits to be proud of: regular walks for Squid’s beloved bulldog Rosco P. Coltrane, stretching after a marathon session on the couch watching live-streamed city council meetings. Squid has a few highly unhealthy habits Squid should probably be more ashamed of: lots of hours on said couch, a vigorous love for shrimp-flavored popcorn.

It comes to mind because an invitation to fill out a survey about Squid’s health habits landed in Squid’s mailbox. It’s part of the Blue Zones Project, a cool initiative meant to “promote sustainable, common-sense changes that encourage healthier lifestyles.” Squid considered filling out the health questionnaire and returning it to researchers at Boston University, but Squid got distracted by a shiny object: The envelope also came with a crisp $1 bill – “a small token of our appreciation for your thoughtful responses.”

Squid is curious about why Squid’s colleagues have gotten the letters (and cash) delivered to mailboxes in Monterey, Carmel Valley and Marina. Last Squid checked, it was Blue Zones Project Salinas – Squid wonders when and why they dropped the “Salinas.” Squid also wonders how many dollar bills went out, but Squid can think of a few health initiatives that Squid might’ve put those dollars toward: carrot sticks instead of popcorn for snacks, for starters.