SQUIDFRY 04.09.20: Netflix and Shill

NETFLIX AND SHILL… Squid has entered that phase of sheltering in place where time, space and logic have no meaning. Squid thought about trying to make sourdough starter – de rigueur, it seems, for hipsters sheltering in place – only to read an article about sourdough shaming and middle-class lockdown bingo (making banana bread, drinking with friends on Zoom, etc. You get the picture).

Defeated, Squid instead decided to tackle Squid’s email inbox, culling out the Amazon phishing scams and getting rid of the romance scamster approaches – “Hey Gorgeous Cephalopod,” started one, written by an oily otter claiming to be a doctor working for the United Nations in Syria. But then Squid noticed a weird pattern emerge: During the pandemic, public relations pros needing to justify their retainers have sent a slew of pitches intended to (checks notes) keep our spirits up during the shutdown.

From Boise, Idaho, Black Mansion Design Studio thinks the shutdown – you know, that time when companies are wondering how they’ll survive – is the perfect time to consider giving their brands a fresh look to “turn lemons into lemonade.” Why bother with lemonade, when Watsonville-based Integrity Wines is serving up an in-home interactive wine tasting experience in which you can buy a tasting kit (curbside pickup available) and proprietor Mark Hoover will Zoom in on a tasting experience and answer questions. Bring snacks – they ain’t included.

From New York, Howard Tiersky, coauthor of Impactful Online Meetings: How to Run Polished Virtual Working Sessions That Are Engaging and Effective, promises an interview on how you can, um, run impactful online meetings. Which probably doesn’t entail six people yelling at each other, “I can’t hear you.” One of Tiersky’s suggestions appears to be forcing participants to turn on their devices’ video function, which is meant to foster participation but which Squid thinks is bullshit – Squid prefers to attend morning Zoom meetings with the editorial team completely naked. And speaking of completely naked, Trojan – the condom company – sent an email letting Squid know that while some online retailers have classified condoms as “non-essential” items, Trojan was urging retailers to classify them as essential and speed up delivery times to protect against STDs and a slew of unintended coronababies in nine months.

But Squid’s favorite? If sheltering in place isn’t all you hoped, LuxeVaca is offering travelers an opportunity “to escape the virus and stay in one of our disinfected luxury homes away from the large cities.” Some of those homes are on the Monterey Peninsula, where “outdoor activities can be enjoyed by your entire family like bike rides, beach walks (and) golf.” Except golf is currently prohibited and if you travel here to rent a place for $5,000 a night to get away during the pandemic, you’re kind of a dick.