SQUIDFRY 03.25.16: Costume Drama

COSTUME DRAMA… Squid sat in the lair, a slow tear trickling from one of Squid’s large eyes, feeling even more dejected than usual. Even more dejected than when theSalinas Californian’s “Salinas Life and Real Estate” section included a huge story about the Kardashians buying another home in (wait for it) Calabasas, which is nowhere near Salinas. Even more dejected than when the Monterey Herald’s supremely lame readers’ poll included naming a best new restaurant, and chose one that has been around for nearly three years. And even more dejected than when Carmel-by-the-Sea political types started sending hate mail about the Weekly’s recent endorsement of Councilmember Steve Dallas for mayor. (“Are you SERIOUS?” one local politico wrote. “I’m interested in learning whether the Weekly stands by its endorsements,” sniffed another, referencing some juicy bit of Dallas gossip. Squid’s assuming said politico was referring to the revelation that Dallas, a landlord, had been on the receiving end of a temporary restraining order from a tenant a few years back – before he ran for council the first time around. So yes, delicate questioner, the Weekly stands by its endorsements, just as it did when the current Carmel administration fiddled while Rome, err, Carmel, burned – through the beach fire issue, through hundreds of thousands of dollars on consultants who did more harm than good and through multiple cash settlements with litigious employees.)

But the reason for Squid’s most recent dejection: It was dress-up day at the Monterey County Weekly. Costumes had arrived from the Far East so that various employees could go out in the community dressed as Captain Best Of,”this year’s hero mascot of the paper’s annual Best Of Monterey County readers’ poll, and get their photos taken with happy honorees. Squee – Squid loves playing dress up!

But when the costume boxes were torn open, there wasn’t one for Squid. Something about how sewing all those extra tentacles in colorful polyester would have cost too much money. “Cheapskates. Species-ist cheapskates,” Squid muttered extra bitterly.

But then Squid remembered that Best Of time is a happy time. It’s a time for Weekly readers to decide who has the best chowder. It’s the time when readers identify their favorite places for mochas, margaritas and martinis.

Squid perused the list of suggested winners that didn’t make the cut. Best Event: “Netflix & Chill” (look that one up, anyone over the age of 40). Best Tasting Room: “I don’t know, I’ve never eaten a whole room.” Best Restaurant for Gluten Free: “I bet you don’t vaccinate either, do you?” (A more thorough list of the snark can be found on p. 29.)

In Squid’s humble opinion, you’re all winners. Hell, even Squid is a winner – even though nobody bothered to get Squid a costume to make Squid a hero too.