Squidfry 01.28.16: Almost Famous…

ALMOST FAMOUS… Lately, Squid’s hopes and dreams have not been panning out. First, seeking fortune, Squid blew a week’s salary buying worthless Powerball tickets, which led to a shortage of shrimp popcorn in Squid’s lair.

Second, seeking fame, Squid applied to be an extra in Big Little Lies, an HBO miniseries starring Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon being filmed in the Monterey area Jan. 25-29. Squid toned up Squid’s tentacles, turned Squid’s most flattering color, snapped a selfie and sent it over to Rich King Casting. Fame felt imminent, but a week later, Squid received this response by email: “Unless you would like to be made into fried calamari, your services will not be needed.” Bastards!

Then Squid started hearing stories from the set, and how one colleague saw Witherspoon fake a sprained ankle in a scene. Her acting was so good, Squid’s colleague felt a pang of sorrow at the sight!

That’s it, Squid decided, time to get in on the action: Squid unchained Squidself from Squid’s desk and oozed down to Wharf Marketplace, bought a couple bottles of vino and began wandering around the stars’ trailers in the parking lot. Squid successfully fended off an approaching security guard – “Wine delivery for Reese Witherspoon” – but nobody was home in her trailer.

Sigh. Perhaps Squid should dream a little smaller. Sharknado 4?

NAKED BUNS… Squid was surprised when the Doomsday Clock – the official countdown to homo sapiens’ self-destruction, hatched by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists – recently determined the end is not here yet.

Maybe they missed Republican debates. Or the standoff/occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon.

Some locals clearly believe the end of humanity as we know it has arrived – call it the ass-ocalypse – judging from their reaction to last week’s cover story, on naked yoga. A whole bunch of readers rang in with doomsday-worthy disapproval. Several vowed to boycott the paper and its page permanently. Some called him fat, an interesting comment on a story about comfort with one’s body. Others called to ream the Weekly office manager and other members of the news team, blasting the “despicable” image as “pornography.”

Others lost their minds over a story about a 15-inch burrito from Baldemiro’s. Squid agrees – that’s an impressive piece of grub – but Squid was also hoping humans might pay more attention to the state investigating Monterey County Social Services after two kids were killed. Instead, the burrito was the most-visited and most-shared story of the week.

At least Squid knows how to get attention when Squid needs it: naked yoga selfies in the lair, holding a 15-inch shrimp burrito, awaiting an imminent doomsday.