Squid Fry 08.27.15: Deep Throat and Ashley Madison

DEEP THROAT… Squid was relaxing in the lair, taking an online quiz to determine Squid’s spirit animal (for the record, it came back “otter,” which was a load of crap) and waiting for a massive chunk of data to download. Suddenly, Squid heard a splash. Squid assumed it was those irritating whales showing off for the BBC crews filming Big Blue Live – Oh look at us, look how cleverly we breach, Squid imagines them thinking.

But when Squid peeked outside, Squid found a pasty middle-aged white man weeping at the end of Fisherman’s Wharf as he watched his laptop sink into Monterey Bay.

“If they can’t find my laptop, they can’t find my information,” he told Squid. “Isn’t that right? Tell me it’s true!”

Squid then realized: The man was an Ashley Madison customer. Ashley Madison, you may recall, is the defunct website that claimed to help members of the married-but-bored set have affairs. The pay-for-play site offered a guarantee that if you were a dude and couldn’t find a hottie to make flippy floppy with you, you’d get your money back. Paid accounts ran about $1,000 a month.

A hacktavist group calling itself The Impact Team posted the personal information of 30 million Ashley Madison account holders on the dark web, a virtual place where lots of illegal stuff happens. So far, the data dump has resulted in lots of marriages being ruined and, depending on whom in the media you believe, a few suicides.

Squid wrapped a tentacle around the man’s shoulder, offered him a cup of tea and asked if he wanted to confess anything. That’s when the man began to speak.

“I’m a successful businessman and writer and I now own a media company. I work out every day. I’m also well-educated and literate and know all about fine restaurants, dance clubs, museums and the opera,” he said, sniffling. “I actually live in Carmel. I’ve met presidents and prime ministers! I can introduce you to celebrities!”

Tell me more, Squid encouraged. And the floodgates opened. The man told Squid his wife didn’t understand him, and he was looking for a woman he could make feel very special. “If you turn me on, I can make love to you all afternoon,” he said. “No kidding! It’s always been my best feature!”

Then it occurred to Squid that the man was quoting directly from his Ashley Madison profile. And Squid knew this because someone had mailed that very same profile to Squid earlier that day.

If any “slender gals” who have unattended feelings they want to unleash (and look as good in jeans and sneakers as they do in cocktail gowns and heels) and who also happen to like early-morning walks in Paris or Shanghai are interested in a fortysomething media company owner from Carmel who can’t keep his wife happy, please get in touch. Squid will forward the message.