SQUID FRY 03.05.15: Courting Contempt…

COURTING CONTEMPT… Squid often dreams of time machines, of traveling back to an era when days weren’t filled with emails, texts and Facebook statuses. Squid can barely even remember those pre-Internet days, so Squid popped over to the Monterey County Historical Society in Salinas. There, Squid was impressed: More than a dozen calls came in to the society’s line. History is… popular!

But reality set in soon enough. Every single caller was trying to reach the Monterey County Superior Court. An incredibly patient society staffer, Barbara Brown, fielded each call and said no, this was not the courthouse, then rattled off the court’s number. The court’s homepage lists only one phone number, she explains, and surprise, surprise – it’s not for any of the county’s three courthouses. It’s for the Historical Society, which the county pays to store its court files from 1850-1960. “It’s probably been going on for about a year,” Brown said. “We’ve called [the court], we’ve written them… nothing.”

She said something else about being busy, but Squid missed it, because by then Squid was fully bugging out about #TheDress, which is clearly white and gold. Who needs history when it’s happening right now on Buzzfeed?!

Photoshop Therapy… Squid sometimes takes out Squid’s anger on photos of Squid’s enemies. A Sharpie mustache for the cuttlefish who broke Squid’s heart, then stole Squid’s shrimp. Photoshopped horns for the conniving nautilus who beat out Squid for the Fiercest Cephalopod Award.

Meanwhile on the Seaside City Council webpage, the yearbooky photo of the newest councilman, Jason Campbell, is conspicuously out of alignment with the other four. But the photo, smooshed about a centimeter lower, isn’t the biggest thing that sets Campbell apart from his fellow councilmen. That would be his vehement loathing for Monterey Downs, the proposed mega-horsopolis on Fort Ord.

Squid breathlessly awaits word on whether the council will renew its exclusive negotiating agreement with Downs, or consider Squid’s proposal to build a giant shrimp farm and theme park instead. First, Squid has to consider whether Squid is strong enough to go beak-to-head with Monterey Downs’ chieftain,Brian Boudreau.

According to Campbell, he and Boudreau were chatting after one of Fort Ord Reuse Authority’s urban design workshops last month when Boudreau brought up the city’s latest stall in releasing the Downs environmental impact report. Boudreau told him the city should be more worried about lawsuits from him than about fulfilling Public Records Act requests from activists, Campbell says.

Squid couldn’t reach Boudreau by press time. To be fair, Squid called Boudreau kind of late – the time of night most normal people are airbrushing their Facebook pics.