SQUID FRY 02.07.19: Three’s Company

THREE’S COMPANY… Squid spent much of this frigid week curled up in the lair, sipping warm fish soup and trying to keep Squid’s tentacles from going numb. Squid still might ooze out this weekend to catch some action at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, if only to score the most cherished prize at this year’s tourney: a Clint Eastwood bobblehead doll.

The actor-turned-Carmel mayor-turned-film director has been on Squid’s mind of late, because Eastwood recently came out with a new film he directed and starred in: The Mule, the story of a 90-year-old Midwestern man who became an unsuspecting drug mule for a Mexican drug cartel. Even better than the movie is a review by comedians John Mulaney and Pete Davidson on Saturday Night Live. They argue the film is basically a superhero movie for old white men: Not only can a 90-year-old man drive, he’s so good at it the cartel throws him a party! The point, Mulaney and Davidson say: An old white man can do any job better than a Mexican, even Mexican drug trafficking! But the best part is when they point out that Eastwood’s geriatric character, in a movie directed by Eastwood, has two – TWO! – threesomes in the film.

So on the chance that Squid is able to score a Clint bobblehead, Squid picked up a few Barbie dolls to keep him company, and they are currently sitting above the fireplace, waiting for their hero.

RINGALINGUS… Squid’s tentacles could use a deep moisturizing treatment, owing to all of the soaping and rinsing Squid’s doing in an effort to avoid the flu. Squid’s also recently upped the sanitizing game, keeping Clorox wipes by the front door of the lair.

The wipes, though, are for the doorbell. Ever since Squid saw that viral video of a man identified as Robert Daniel Arroyo tonguing a South Salinas doorbell in full view of the homeowner’s security camera – for three hours – Squid has had nightmares about Squid’s own doorbell being violated.

Arroyo has bigger problems, though, than endlessly licking a bacteria-laden surface. On Jan. 25, the Monterey County District Attorney’s Office charged him with prowling onto a homeowner’s property and petty theft for taking an item from the yard. Arroyo failed to show up at his arraignment; Superior Court Judge Richard Curtis issued a bench warrant, but it’s not clear if Arroyo was picked up. But… wait for it… the charges are for another incident that took place outside a home in late December in Greenfield. There’s no word on whether any doorbell was violated in that incident.

Squid hopes Arroyo, who has a history of drug offenses, gets help, but wonders if anyone has had the heart to tell him: If you tongue something – even a doorbell – for three hours and nobody comes, you’re probably doing it wrong.