What to get the chef who has everything? Something weird, of course.

At last, a Web site cure for those troublesome culinarians who seem to already have everything. Beam yourself to www.cooking. com, and with a click of a mouse and magic wave of a charge card, your holiday shopping dilemma disappears.

Of course, shopping in cyberspace sometimes raises ethical questions. One must assume that if certain products exist, certain shoppers must purchase them. While one-dimensional browsing may not be the most reliable way to tell exactly how something works--you can''t pick it up and shake it--one must assume that someone really did sit down and figure out how a 3-inch-long egg-shaped wedge of stainless steel can remove problematic odors.

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Each aluminum bag contains real raw wood chips from real Finnish forests.

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The Odor Steeler does, ostensibly, do just that. It''s unclear exactly how it accomplishes the task. Does it lurk in a dark drawer, laying low until an unwanted odor wafts into the vicinity and then suck it up into oblivion? How, one wonders further, does it tell an unfortunate odor from a fortuitous one? Does it somehow know, say, kim chee from chocolate chip cookies? But before you get too excited, sorry: They''re already sold out for this year.

However, if advanced sucking technology rings a bell for someone on your list, consider the Instant Vacuum Marinader. Perfect for busy cooks that tire of the lengthy marination process, simply plop your product right into this special vessel, pour in the marinade of choice, pop on the lid, insert the pump, suck the air out and watch, agog, as the meat slurps up the liquid. Once you''re done pumping, you''re Weber-ready.

Unless, you say "I think I''ll just get out my Assorted Smoke Flavor Food Smoker Bags," and turn on the oven instead. With these Finnish Savu Smoker Bags, you can make your own smoked meats, poultry, fish and vegetables not on the grill, but right in your own oven, according to Savu. Each heavy-duty aluminum bag contains real raw wood chips from real Finnish forests. Bag your Instant Vacuum Marinader-ed meat and in less time than it takes to say Uff Da! you''ll have everyone convinced you just came in from the smokehouse.

Taco proppers, tortilla presses, truffle shavers, yogurt strainers, spaetzle makers--this is the one-stop shop for cooking fiends of every persuasion. But what do people that really cook want to find under the tree this year? "To get out of the kitchen," laughs Yann Lusseau, pastry chef and co-owner of Parker-Lusseau Pastries in Monterey. For people who would rather eat it than make it, a gift box of Parker-Lusseau''s fancy assorted chocolates is a choc-o-phile''s fantasy come to life.

All Cindy Walter, of Pacific Grove''s Crocodile Grill, wants for Christmas is a bottle of her favorite champagne to enjoy when the last turkey has been served. "Nicholas Feuillatte," she effuses. "A 1992 Cuvee Palmes d''Or."

Chef and husband, Ted Walter got his much-coveted gift early. "We were on vacation in Germany in October, and I saw it," he says. "I''ve wanted an Italian-made, Alessi stainless steel colander for years. They''re $500 at Neiman Marcus. I found one there for only $200. Gorgeous--two feet high with copper feet. I just love to look at it." And even more fabulous, it''ll actually strain stuff.

At Cornucopia Cafe in Carmel, Chef Ana Machado is so thrilled with her brand spanking new kitchen, she came up blank when Christmas queried. "I feel like I''ve got everything right now. I just got a brand new juicer!" Pause. "I know. A new pair of Dansko clogs." Despite lengthy cross-examination--how could shoes that don''t bend possibly be comfortable?-- Machado still wouldn''t budge. "When you stand on your feet for 15 hours, they''re great."

As far as Stokes Adobe''s Chef Brandon Miller is concerned, a Rival hand-held blender holds no rival. "They''re the best when it comes to finishing sauces," he attests. He says serious sauciers order six at a time, so there''s always a backup in case of a blow-out.

What chef doesn''t want a new set of knives for Christmas? A razor-sharp set of Wusthof blades is high on Craig Delaney''s list, chef and co-owner of Hula''s in New Monterey. He even swears he''s been good.

And if Bill Karaki of Taste Bistro in Pacific Grove had one wish for Christmas, it wouldn''t be for a shiny new chef''s knife or a blender or clogs or all of the above. "What I''d really like is a new accountant," he sighs. "I''m tired of doing the books!"

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