SQUIDFRY 07.05.18: Air Force Won

AIR FORCE WON…

With the collapse of the Republic feeling more probable with each passing day, Squid’s been making sure to find joy in the things that always make Squid smile: Eating ice cream in the sunshine, shrimp on the bar-b and never-ending reruns of The Office. And squirrels – Squid’s been thinking a lot about squirrels.

That’s because Squid’s favorite story of 2018 so far is the ongoing war between the city of Del Rey Oaks and a resilient local colony of ground squirrels that launched a counterattack to the city’s extermination efforts by chewing automobile wires in the City Hall parking lot. Sadly, it appears that story is coming to an end: City Manager Dino Pick, a retired Army colonel, says two “beautiful” adolescent hawks have taken up residence near the two vacant owl boxes in the city’s sole park – where the squirrels have been tearing up the grass – and have been eating the squirrels.

“We called in the Air Force, which is hard for an Army guy,” Pick says, “but the ground troops needed reinforcement.”

MONTEREY NO WATER…

Another story that tickled Squid was when, on June 28, Squid’s seal friend scooted over to theMonterey Peninsula Water Management District office in Ryan Ranch, looking to pick up a new low-flow spray nozzle. It turns out, though, the office was closed that day, and a sign on the door of the nearby Monterey One Water offices told her why: the building had no water.

Dave Stoldt, general manager of the water management district, says that at 6:09am that morning, a car hit a nearby fire hydrant, and crews were unable to immediately locate the valve to shut off the hydrant. “Isn’t that ironic,” Stoldt observes of the lost workday, adding that the hydrant was shooting water 30 feet into the air. “It was like Old Faithful,” he says.

NO SERVICE…

Squid and Squid’s seal friends were recently hanging around Monterey’s under-utilized Coast Guard Pier, thinking how nice it would be if only they could grab a meal and a beer. Then Squid’s prayers were answered: On June 29, Jonathan Roberts, aka PigWizard, filed an application with the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control for a license to sell beer and wine at his forthcoming eatery. As a fan of Roberts’ artisanal (and delicious) meats, Squid did a happy dance.

But then Squid’s three-chambered heart sank. After hearing from various local food writers, Roberts sent a Facebook message telling them to back away – or else: “If I see print from anyone before I want it, I will not serve that person or persons for at least a year,” he wrote. “I am dead serious.”

Looks like Squid will not be served.