Squid considers vanity plates to survive a dull trial, oozes to Monterey in hopes of joining good ol' boys club.

ENGINE TROUBLE…It’s no secret Squid dislikes chores like cleaning the lair and going to the DMV. But as Squid recently learned, there’s only one thing more excruciating than waiting at the DMV: attending a criminal trial over the alleged falsification of DMV records. 

Retired King City Police Chief Nick Baldiviez is currently on trial for charges he illegally signed DMV paperwork transferring a souped-up police car to Officer Mario Mottu, Sr., then lied to investigators about it. Mottu spent some $6,000 on the car, including a custom paint job and vanity license plates that said NCUSTODY. 

The trial has mostly focused on the painful chore of interpreting DMV paperwork. Attorneys show the witnesses DMV records, and ask them what they see: Dates, names, addresses. It’s like a slow-mo version of DMV hell. 

Squid is impressed the jurors can stay awake. At least where Squid sits in the audience, there are welcome diversions for important matters. Like fashion. 

“Good color,” whispered one investigator, wearing a purple tie, to another investigator, also wearing a purple tie. They reached across the wooden benches—more uncomfortable even than the DMV waiting room—for a fist bump. It gives Squid an idea for a new life shortcut: Wear colorful accessories. Then they might not notice if Squid’s superhero underoos haven’t been ironed lately. 

McGRUFF RETURNS…Squid’s not much of a joiner, but given the chance, there’s one group Squid would love to be a part of: the Good Ol’ Boys. 

Cigars and whiskey in smoky back rooms, patent leather chairs: It sounds good to Squid. Problem is, the club has long stuck to a “no cephalopods” rule. 

The G.O.B. have been on Squid’s mind lately, because of two recent letters waterfront watchdog Bill McCrone sent to Monterey City Council. McCrone asked that two wharf-related items be moved from the consent agenda, and his irritation with city staff burned in his words.

Several of McCrone’s sentences came in the form of questions: “Why does staff recommend that you approve an increase of profiteering…with no compensation to the public?” McCrone wrote in a July 19 letter. “Why isn’t staff insisting on concessions in this lease to accommodate the new council policies? A lot of questions that the good old boys hoped we wouldn’t ask, aren’t there?” 

McCrone takes issue with two proposed lease amendments, one at the Wharf Theater building, the other Chris Arcoleo’s whale-watching concession.

“The obvious implication…is that the property management staff has no intention of complying with the new council leasing policies,” he wrote July 20.

It all reminds Squid of the saying: If you can’t join ‘em…wait, how does it go again?