A nonconformist reports from inside the new Pebble Beach Golf Academy.

When my editor called with my latest assignment, it was finally one I could fully endorse. El jefe desired that I go to Pebble Beach (nice start) to review the new high-tech golf practice “academy” (even better) and receive instruction from Laird Small, one of the Top 50 teachers in the world (home run). Me being “invited” to Pebble is akin to pornographer Larry Flynt being invited to a pool party with the Rev. Billy Graham.

Although not a monied gentleman of distinguished lineage, I do have a history in the game. (A history that I was not about to tell my editor and hopefully one the Guardians of Golf at Pebble would not Google before my arrival.)

In 1999, recently divorced and desperate for ways to make money to feed both myself and my child, I founded a company, Fireball Golf, that made non-United States Golf Association conforming golf balls. These slightly smaller and heavier balls, not legal for tournament use, went further than USGA rules allowed.

It made money that kept us both alive and for this I remain grateful. If that weren’t shameful enough, I also made a nonconforming lubricant, Straight Stick, that you applied to the clubface to make it very hard to hook or slice the ball. (An old gamblers trick.) Sort of Viagra for golf. Needless to say, I was not invited to USGA formal dinners.

As a player, I’ve had both highs and lows. At age 17, I shot 71, 71, 75 to win a state tourney. The next year as a college player, in an immense downpour of rain, I shot 178 for one round.

How does one shoot 178 in a single round? Answer: by playing the last four holes tee to green, hitting it one handed with a putter while holding an umbrella and carrying my bag. (Turns out there’s a two-shot penalty for every stroke because the bag is considered an “artificial aid.” As if a 35-pound bag on your back helps.)

Now 50, having not played in nearly 15 years, I would be getting my second golf lesson ever from a man voted U.S. PGA Teacher of the Year in 2003.

My first, by noted instructor Terry Florence, occurred in my pitiful college career and did not go well. Meandering to the range, Mr. Florence watched me hit three balls that I thought were perfectly struck. He made eye contact and said, “You hit a very weak push. No one is going to pay you to hit a golf ball.”

Today, as a warm up, I found my dormant clubs in the corner of the basement wrapped in plastic like a Dexter victim.

Dusting them off, I headed immediately to the range at Pacific Grove Muni for a $4 bucket of range balls. Which, not meaning to brag, I struck as well as ever… meaning 2-irons that went 175. Downwind. Baby lambs hit a golf ball further than I do.

The new academy is exquisite.Imagine hitting balls inside their multi-million dollar clubhouse through open sliding windows into a perfectly manicured range. All while hooked to 3-D/slow mo/hi-def motion capture equipment, the only in the country. It’s like getting a massage, while on your yacht, with Cameron Diaz bringing you champagne. It’s ridiculous.

The academy almost makes me want to trade in my Socialist Workers Party card and become a plutocrat. It makes me want to execute a hostile takeover of my mother’s social security check and spend six hours on the Robotic Swing Trainer (a $150,000 device), the Science and Motion Balance Lab or the Quintic Ball Roll Putting Analysis System.

I’m not making this up. All this exists behind the P.B. gates, along with an AMM 3D Swing Analysis System (a $30,000 tool) and a Flight Scope Launch Monitor. The academy is the MIT of golf geek science. It’s as if NASA decided to get into golf. I want to forget my work with the homeless and enroll full time.

Put another way, the academy is sort of a super fun semester in Cal Poly Physics Department wrapped up in a day of golf. Time with Laird Small and his staff involves ballistics, anatomy, human biomechanics and laughs, with just enough traditional golf instruction and tips to make it all sink in. If you’d rather wake up with a 100mph clubhead speed than wake up beside a USC cheerleader, the academy is the place for you.

It means America’s number-one public course now has a practice facility that is the ceiling for instruction, training and technology. The 4,500 square-foot putting green are April Augusta quality. The 350-yard double-ended range allows a variety of wind conditions during the same practice session – and a series of holes designed to prime your short game. A $1,750 introductory offer gets you a bundle of diagnostics and teaching from Pebble’s quiver of technology, unlimited access to the range and clubhouse for a year, plus a one-year membership to the Peter Hay par-3 course that is within 200 yards of the spanking new clubhouse. (Day access is included for those staying or playing at Pebble.) You might see Jim Nantz, Bill Murray or Condi Rice there. Heck, you can even play a virtual Pebble 18 inside on foggy mornings for less than the cost of getting your car waxed – or any of a number of the best courses in the world, with full swings against a giant projection screen.

One of the coolest things is the 3-D Swing Analysis System that hooks an iPad to a Sony action cam that shoots 750 frames per second. Small calls it a “GoPro on steroids” that helps you understand all aspects of the swing, from club rotation at take-away to spine angle at impact.

The PBA helped me remember the science, physicality, concentration and focus that golf demands. All in a setting that is relaxed, positive and stunningly beautiful. Who knows, perhaps Small will find me a gig picking up balls on the range.

Sincerely, I have no idea what assignment could be better than a day at the new Pebble Beach Golf Academy. Perhaps next I’ll be sent bikini shopping with Kate Upton.

Boss, make it happen. My wife will understand.

For more on Pebble Beach Golf Academy & Practice Facility, call 622-8650 or visit www.pebblebeach.com